Category Archives: Contemplative Thoughts

My thoughts at 3:30…

I feel lately all I do is work. Im 19 years old i should be fucking around doing whatever, right?

And by fucking around i don’t mean getting fucked up like 98% of the people I know.

Because honestly that’s a waste to me. I want to just have fun with a sober mind, high off life, As corny as that sounds.

Some of the worst things have happened to me when i was any kind of messed up. I don’t choose to relive those moments

unlike half of the dumb ass people i know that continue to get drunk every night regardless of the way it fucks up their lives.I just want to

remember my days, and be happy, goofing around, carefree, enjoying every minute of this beautiful crazy life.

Maybe I see life in a different way, different from most of the people in my age group. Probably why I don’t have many close friends.

I only have one close friend that I have remained friends with over the last few years.and i think i know why we’ve stayed close even after all the bullshit we’ve been through, it because she sees things the way that I do.

Anyone else I have come in contact with is usual some kind of pothead ,alcoholic and the only reason i tolerated them was the mere fact that I thought they could change.

The sad truth though, is that people who party now and think “oh, im young ,im just having fun, ill grow out of it” but really those people will struggle with some kind of drug and alcohol addiction for atleast part of their life.

Believe me im not some prude whose preaching. Im just giving the facts here.

Like i said before I’ve dabbled into partying and what not and it’s not always bad. If it’s once in a while and you have control.

But people now a days take it to a different level and consider it a lifestyle

I think people as a whole are just more messed up then they’ve ever been

Everyone has the need to cover up the way they really feel with all this artificial bullshit because we’re all so afraid to show our true selves and we know no other way to connect with each other.

I wish i could go back to a time where people weren’t afraid to be who they really are. We could just converse without the drugs and other bullshit and just relate to each other, we could be human.

Who knows if a time like that ever existed though.

I guess where im going with all this is that i’ve been working a whole lot and even though im emerged in society, working in retail and all. I still feel a need to connect. I don’t feel a real connection with a lot of people. Almost no one. Any one else ever feel that way?

Overworked and Unconnected

Sorry its almost 4 oclock my thoughts are going haywire.

I wonder if this will make sense when i read it tomorrow?

I guess I should sleep.. 10a to midnight (double shift) oh joy

Goodnight… 🙂 ( still smiling)

The Growing Definition Of Love

What is it to love.. what does that word even mean? Does anyone know?

Since I could remember I’ve been writing in my journals,I’ve been writing little stories and poems to try to define love, explain what my idea of love is. I never really knew what the word meant but I knew i wanted it. The image of love in my head was always beautiful, well of course isn’t love suppose to be nothing but beauty and miracles? At least that’s what i thought as a kid. I thought once you found that special person life was nothing but rainbows and sunshine,like your whole world was just at peace sunrise to sunset.All the people who would cause you feel bad about yourself would just fade into the background. Nothing could ever could hurt you again because love would put its force field around you and you’d be okay,you’d be more than okay, you’d be happy. But  I’ve grown since then and i realize things aren’t that simple. Even though im young I’ve had a few experiences with what i thought was love and through trial and error of relationships  im starting to make my own definition of love because love isn’t just a word in the dictionary that has a simple one line definition it’s so much more than that. Love is so much more than we can ever explain. Everyday we learn through our experiences and we add a line to the growing definition.  To me love is the fact your waiting for that one person to walk into your line of view the anticipation makes you sick to your stomach but it’s the best sick feeling you’ve ever felt because it’s mixed with butterflies of nervousness and excitement and once you see them this wave of pure happiness comes over you and you have this big smile on your face like you’ve been possessed by a clown and you try to hide it by like biting your lip or pressing them together but then you end up smiling so much more because you’re trying so hard to hide it, and this never fades everyday that feeling grows stronger. But don’t get me wrong you can’t always have such a world stopping entrance with your lover. Because this is reality and nothing is perfect not even love. Sometimes it can make you crazy,jealous and paranoid because you have such intense emotions for one person you never want anyone to take them away from you. You want to be the best you can be for them and you don’t want anyone else taking that title of being “the one” from you. Although those emotions and thoughts tend to occur you know you’ve found love when someone doesn’t tear you down for feeling that way but understands and they reassure you that your paranoid thoughts are wrong. Love is about understanding the others feelings ,how their brain works to the best of your ability, it’s about growing together, laughing and having a sense of humor ,going through hardships together over coming them then being stronger than ever.This is just one small part to my growing definition, and it will keep growing until the day I die.

After that serious,contemplative thought I have something to share that’s pretty funny.

This is a little song I wrote when I was 9 years old.

and this is just a perfect example of my idea of love through song as a child.

Title: Mr Sunshine

BY: 9 year old Vicki

Mr sunshine come out where ever you are

Mr sunshine come out for me when it’s raining and those dark clouds come out

Mr sunshine you help me every time I need help

Mr sunshine come out your my sunshine when I feel alone you shine for me

x3 Shine

Mr sunshine your  my sunshine

Mr sunshine come out when those people are bringing me down

You shine for me on those rainy days when those dark clouds are over my head

You chase them away and you stay Mr sunshine

Oh Oh

Sunshine shine for me

Sun Sun shine shine for me

Mr Sunshine shine for me

Lets end this with one of my favorite love songs of all time..Im feeling the Adele version tonight..