Daily Archives: December 20, 2014
Tonight I have a lot of thoughts, and I can’t sleep.
Well, every day I have a lot of thoughts.
But I feel like putting them down on the iPhone right now.I’ve been thinking a lot about how I was as a child.
Since I can remember, I was always very reserved, and closed off. I don’t know why, but the thought of what other people might think of me, scared me.Scared me to the point where I tried not to talk so much. I remember, it was the summer before my fifth grade year. I was starting a new school. I was so excited. A fresh start. A chance to meet new friends. I remember writing in my journal, “I hope I will be popular, and everyone will like me.” My first day of school, I was so afraid to talk to people and no one would say a word to me. I was so crippled with the thought that I would say something dumb, or they just wouldn’t like me for one reason or another.
Lunchtime rolled around, I sat alone. Recess came, I sat alone.For a whole week I sat alone, because no one would talk to me. I couldn’t just have the confidence to know that what I would say would be of some value and maybe that I would be of some value to my classmates.
After one of the loneliest,saddest weeks of my young life ended. Someone finally came up and talked to me. I had friends, but no friends outside of school. I didn’t want anyone to get too close; they would know the real me. I wasn’t good enough for anyone to know the real me.That pattern would follow me throughout the course of my life.
Staying silent,watching the other kids make connections while I faded into the background,silent,living in my head. Music,poetry and movies were my friends. I did have some human “friends”,people I would follow blindly. I did what they did because I wanted to fit in. Little did I know fitting in would cause me to grow up too fast, and deplete any self esteem I used to have.
Growing up, I wish I would have appreciated who I was. I wasn’t the prettiest,the smartest, the coolest,or the most outgoing,but I had a lot of heart. I had a lot of spirit and vision. I was a dreamer,a thinker, a gazer of the universe.
I let a lot people take my confidence,my dreams and my innocence away. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment in time that the world broke me and made me so afraid, but it did.And because of that I’ve had to spend a lot of years trying to build myself back up and just when I think I’m unbreakable; the world comes and shatters me into smaller pieces.
I’ve overcome a lot of internal battles that I don’t think a lot of people, if anyone, has seen because it’s really hard for me to open up. The thought of someone using my words against me makes me tremble in fear. So,Here I am for all to see, my head cracked open. The real me. I am a work in progress. I’m weak, but I am strong. I am sensitive,
I’m cautious,inquisitive,resilient,emotional,loving,and overthinking little me! I want to be confident in who I am; for the first time in my life I want to love all the imperfect aspects of myself, and know that they are beautiful because I can see their beauty. At the end of the day self perception is all that matters. A new day has come, I am Queen Victoria. Ruler of her mind, conqueror of her thoughts. Forever, victorious. Yes, I am the queen of me. I like the sound of that.