Saying what’s on my mind has always been difficult for me. Everyday, practically ever second I filter myself. Maybe because people always assumed I was a sweet girl, so I felt I had to live up to that expectation. But the thing is, I’m not a sweet girl. I’m fucking chaos.
I HATE that I’ve always let the opinions of others effect the way I feel about myself.
My whole life- in my own head, I’ve been tortured; And I can’t live another day like this.
I can’t physically or mentally bare the burden of worrying whether or not another person loves me. I have to work on loving myself or I’m not going to make it.
I just have to put this out in the world. And I don’t know if anyone will ever read this but I just have to know that I finally had the courage to truly put out into the world what I was thinking, although I’m terrified that people will label me weak, crazy, or what ever unflattering things I can think of. I just had to say it.
I’m a tortured fucking person and I want to change.
It’s the moment between sleep and awake that my thoughts of you are most potent. The truth that you’re no longer here is abundantly clear- it hits me like a two ton truck and suddenly the reality of this loss feels fresh.
I can literally feel the breath leave me and I feel a pain shoot through my body, it hurts so bad knowing that this is real and I feel helpless.
As sudden as I feel the physical pain of your death, a memory of you pops in my head just as fast-
It’s early morning and you’re off work that day. I feel groggy and barely awake as I’m sitting at the dinning room table; I’m not in the mood to talk but you approach me with the morning paper in your hand. Suddenly, in your loud booming voice you demand that I look at the comics, chuckling to yourself because you always got a kick out of the comics-
I was confused and almost annoyed how someone could be that excited about comics, let alone anything, at 730am. but it was amusing how the most minuscule things brought you so much joy and you always had to share that joy with others. And that’s what I miss about you the most.
I miss you showing me things that I would never notice or think about; I miss your perspective of the world and all these feelings come flooding back to me at 3am.
I spend the night wondering if your soul is still out there somewhere. Does it still linger on the trails we walked together, in the trees, in the all places you taught me to love? Please tell me you’re still out there somewhere. The earths soil can’t be the end of your story.
I feel your tongue dance on the surface of my skin and chills come over me
All I ever wanted was to be devoured by you
I couldn’t ask for more
Unhinge your jaws
I want you and I to become one as you swallow me whole
What more could I want than to be inside of you
Devour me, I’m begging you- please
I want to become the energy that fuels you
I want to be what keeps you going when you can’t take another day
I’ll let you devour me just so you can breathe
I’ll sacrifice everything I am just to have you here
I need to make you whole
How do I kill the thoughts running around in my head when my thoughts are who I am?
When people talk about depression they sometimes refer to it as demons. A completely separate entity than themselves.
But I don’t have demons. I just have me.
This pain, this jaded out look, is me.
It’s been me since I can remember, my earliest memory when I was 3.
How do you run away from that?
How do I run away from me?
Some people turn to drugs, alcohol and even suicide just to escape the pain of their own thoughts, to forget the pain of being themselves.
I can’t do that, I don’t want to forget who I am. Although my thoughts, those certain parts of myself I hate can sometimes outweigh the good, There are still good parts of myself that I love that I would never want to forget.
As of lately my negative thoughts, my negative self has taken over the person I loved and I’m so lost on how to get her back. I’m lost on how to unearth her from the wreckage of my jaded, self loathing thoughts.
I dig so deep, sifting through the damaged parts of me to find that one good, positive thought and it says to get help. “Reach out your hand and find someone to dig out the good that you think you lost, it’s not too late. Shes still here.”
Getting help is the first step to enhancing your positive thoughts.
I would say it is the first step to beat depression, but I don’t know if beating it is an option for me. But I want to be able to function and quiet those depressing, negative thoughts. I don’t know if they will ever truly go away but I want my positive thoughts to be louder. I want my positive thoughts to shine through and be the majority of who i am and maybe that’s what beating depression means for me?
I often wonder if all this suffering will benefit me some how.
Will it teach me strength, and perseverance?
Will I change the world some how? No matter how big or how small?
Or will I die suffering my whole life; never gaining the courage to change my ways or step out side of my narrow perspective ?
Will I lie in the ground, with only a life of suffering and nothing to show for it all?
Am I just a body to be absorbed back into the earth from which I came from, my purpose nothing more; To live a life only at face value and then to be swallowed into the ground once more?
Am I just here to exist and then rot away in oblivion ?
If that’s all we are- just as equal as an ant, or an owl; why are we so complex somehow ?
Why are we so different than every living thing on this planet?
Why are we designed to suffer slow and painfully, while every other living thing lives in ignorance?
We are the only species that can make ourselves suffer.
Maybe that’s all we’re meant to do?
I ache for my mind to be touched.
I ache for you to fill the empty spaces inside me and make me feel alive.
I don’t want to be lonely.
For you,I’ll open myself up.
Lay me down- inject me with your truth.
Fill and spill around me.
I’m aching for you.
Some days I feel everything at once
My heart beats so fast as every memory flashes through my head
I want to speak of them
My breathing slows down and a lump begins to form in my throat
I quickly swallow it
I can’t let anyone know the depths of my soul
Silent I will stay
it’s the only thing I’ve known
I’ve known infatuation.I’ve known lust, but I never have known love- until you. You and I meet in the middle; Where lust and love collide.
All the others seemed hollow. I could never hear their heart beat, no matter how hard I tried. I lie my head on your chest and I can hear it; I can feel your heart beat strong. A sigh of relief, I know you are real. No imaginary lovers.No imaginary friends.
I can feel you in my hands,your breath on my chest, our minds intertwining. No more searching; our love- it binds us.