Sometimes it’s hard for me to a hold a single thought-out of fear I’ll lose grip on all the other things I want to think of.
Sometimes it’s hard for me to sleep because I want more time to think of everything.
I hate my dreams, I fear they will make me lose touch with reality.
Why am I so afraid to leave this tangible place that makes me feel like I’m nothing most of the time.
Fear has held me back from so many things.
I was always afraid of the fall so I just stayed still.
What I didn’t realize that standing still meant that I would die trapped in this place.
At least if I jumped and died upon impact I would know what it’s like to fly before I left this world.
Fear doesn’t stop pain.
Fear only stops change.-Changing into who you’re meant to be.
Sometimes I want to break my phone in half and go live in the forest. I think I feel that way because I hate the dependence we have on toxic technology. And it’s not like it’s that bad for me, but I find myself wasting time scrolling through social media- and for what? I really don’t care what people are doing. I don’t find the laid out skin care routines, outfit of the days, bath routine, gym routine, look where I ate last time, selfie- self love bullshit posts people put out there amusing anymore. When I get in the mood to actively post on social media, after I post- I just think “Why the fuck did I just waste my time laying out all the free shit I got in the mail today. Like, literally who gives a shit.” And when I post the food I ate, or the work out routine I did, or the selfie. I think “Why am I doing this?” For approval? For envy? For support? But why do I care about support from strangers? Why do I care about likes from people I will never see? Why do I care about followers, and compliments? Why? Is there something in me that’s missing? I don’t know. But I know I’m never going to find it while scrolling and posting. slowly I’ve been realizing what a big fucking waste of time it is. So I’m done. I took my 500 or so followers down to like 50 which is family and maybe I’ll post some pics just because I know my family actually likes them and cares. And they’re not liking my pictures just to get a follow or a like back. I’ve realized that mindless scrolling in your phone is such a time waster. We could have so much less anxiety and live such a better life if we all weren’t so worried about our damn phones. We think the internet brings us together when in reality it actually makes us antisocial. In real life we can’t even look each other in the eye, so we look down at phones scrolling through Instagram and Facebook. We give thumbs up on pictures but we can’t even wave to people on the street in real life. We read about people’s experiences online but we don’t even want to talk and listen to people right in front of us. It’s ruining our social skills, our relationships and our brains. I think phone users in moderation is fine. I like to read the news, read articles, look up recipes, read what’s going on my neighborhood Facebook groups. But other than that I’m limiting my screen time and focusing on things outside of this little rectangle. Ironic, isn’t it? as I type this whole thing up on my iPhone. But hey! I said in moderation! Im putting it down now. I’m not a total hypocrite.
I’m the type of person that picks their scabs too deep.
The type that obsesses over things that haven’t happened yet.
And keeps playing bad memories in their head.
Im the type who ponders too much over what happens when your dead.
I’m the type of person who hasn’t worked all the kinks out in their head yet.
I feel like my existence is so premature, I feel like a new born.
Every minute I’m trembling, because I’m so unsure.
I wish I could say this is a feeling I haven’t felt before, but the truth is everyday I’m struggling with these same dilemmas.
I always feel like I’m one thought away from a breakdown.
I’m at war with myself, trying to give each thought a shake down.
Which one is going to be the end of me?
I can’t cling on to these obsessions any longer,
I need to be set free- from paranoia, fear, Self doubt, Self loathing ,Unmotivated mind sets & Internal threats.
I need to be set free from me.
A calm came over me as I looked at the night sky
The moon was bright, the stars seemed to speak to me
and I felt a calm I haven’t felt in a long time and I think I know why.
I’m the daughter of martians and I can’t help it
I’m the daughter of martians
I’m from another planet
Just stop trying to fit in
Ever since I was young I felt off
I felt different
No amount of convincing could make me feel otherwise
I’m not like you..
why do I feel the need to conform
To fit in your perfectly Tailored uniforms
The anxiety, the stress, the pressure I feel to live a normal human life, it’s not worth it anymore
I want to let it go
I want to let it go and embrace my Martian form and release the idea of being normal
Because I’m not that person, no
I’m the daughter of martians
And I think I want to go home now
Billions of people in the world.
Isn’t it fucked up that we all feel so alone?
We’re all on this strange planet, floating in the dark together but we all experience things so differently.
We’re trapped inside our own heads-separately.
Afraid to say something in fear of what we would think of each other, so we continue to be isolated and tortured.
We’re all serving a life sentence.
Saying what’s on my mind has always been difficult for me. Everyday, practically ever second I filter myself. Maybe because people always assumed I was a sweet girl, so I felt I had to live up to that expectation. But the thing is, I’m not a sweet girl. I’m fucking chaos.
I HATE that I’ve always let the opinions of others effect the way I feel about myself.
My whole life- in my own head, I’ve been tortured; And I can’t live another day like this.
I can’t physically or mentally bare the burden of worrying whether or not another person loves me. I have to work on loving myself or I’m not going to make it.
I just have to put this out in the world. And I don’t know if anyone will ever read this but I just have to know that I finally had the courage to truly put out into the world what I was thinking, although I’m terrified that people will label me weak, crazy, or what ever unflattering things I can think of. I just had to say it.
I’m a tortured fucking person and I want to change.
It’s the moment between sleep and awake that my thoughts of you are most potent. The truth that you’re no longer here is abundantly clear- it hits me like a two ton truck and suddenly the reality of this loss feels fresh.
I can literally feel the breath leave me and I feel a pain shoot through my body, it hurts so bad knowing that this is real and I feel helpless.
As sudden as I feel the physical pain of your death, a memory of you pops in my head just as fast-
It’s early morning and you’re off work that day. I feel groggy and barely awake as I’m sitting at the dinning room table; I’m not in the mood to talk but you approach me with the morning paper in your hand. Suddenly, in your loud booming voice you demand that I look at the comics, chuckling to yourself because you always got a kick out of the comics-
I was confused and almost annoyed how someone could be that excited about comics, let alone anything, at 730am. but it was amusing how the most minuscule things brought you so much joy and you always had to share that joy with others. And that’s what I miss about you the most.
I miss you showing me things that I would never notice or think about; I miss your perspective of the world and all these feelings come flooding back to me at 3am.
I spend the night wondering if your soul is still out there somewhere. Does it still linger on the trails we walked together, in the trees, in the all places you taught me to love? Please tell me you’re still out there somewhere. The earths soil can’t be the end of your story.
I feel your tongue dance on the surface of my skin and chills come over me
All I ever wanted was to be devoured by you
I couldn’t ask for more
Unhinge your jaws
I want you and I to become one as you swallow me whole
What more could I want than to be inside of you
Devour me, I’m begging you- please
I want to become the energy that fuels you
I want to be what keeps you going when you can’t take another day
I’ll let you devour me just so you can breathe
I’ll sacrifice everything I am just to have you here
I need to make you whole