A calm came over me as I looked at the night sky
The moon was bright, the stars seemed to speak to me
and I felt a calm I haven’t felt in a long time and I think I know why.
I’m the daughter of martians and I can’t help it
I’m the daughter of martians
I’m from another planet
Just stop trying to fit in
Ever since I was young I felt off
I felt different
No amount of convincing could make me feel otherwise
I’m not like you..
why do I feel the need to conform
To fit in your perfectly Tailored uniforms
The anxiety, the stress, the pressure I feel to live a normal human life, it’s not worth it anymore
I want to let it go
I want to let it go and embrace my Martian form and release the idea of being normal
Because I’m not that person, no
I’m the daughter of martians
And I think I want to go home now
Billions of people in the world.
Isn’t it fucked up that we all feel so alone?
We’re all on this strange planet, floating in the dark together but we all experience things so differently.
We’re trapped inside our own heads-separately.
Afraid to say something in fear of what we would think of each other, so we continue to be isolated and tortured.
We’re all serving a life sentence.
Saying what’s on my mind has always been difficult for me. Everyday, practically ever second I filter myself. Maybe because people always assumed I was a sweet girl, so I felt I had to live up to that expectation. But the thing is, I’m not a sweet girl. I’m fucking chaos.
I HATE that I’ve always let the opinions of others effect the way I feel about myself.
My whole life- in my own head, I’ve been tortured; And I can’t live another day like this.
I can’t physically or mentally bare the burden of worrying whether or not another person loves me. I have to work on loving myself or I’m not going to make it.
I just have to put this out in the world. And I don’t know if anyone will ever read this but I just have to know that I finally had the courage to truly put out into the world what I was thinking, although I’m terrified that people will label me weak, crazy, or what ever unflattering things I can think of. I just had to say it.
I’m a tortured fucking person and I want to change.
It’s the moment between sleep and awake that my thoughts of you are most potent. The truth that you’re no longer here is abundantly clear- it hits me like a two ton truck and suddenly the reality of this loss feels fresh.
I can literally feel the breath leave me and I feel a pain shoot through my body, it hurts so bad knowing that this is real and I feel helpless.
As sudden as I feel the physical pain of your death, a memory of you pops in my head just as fast-
It’s early morning and you’re off work that day. I feel groggy and barely awake as I’m sitting at the dinning room table; I’m not in the mood to talk but you approach me with the morning paper in your hand. Suddenly, in your loud booming voice you demand that I look at the comics, chuckling to yourself because you always got a kick out of the comics-
I was confused and almost annoyed how someone could be that excited about comics, let alone anything, at 730am. but it was amusing how the most minuscule things brought you so much joy and you always had to share that joy with others. And that’s what I miss about you the most.
I miss you showing me things that I would never notice or think about; I miss your perspective of the world and all these feelings come flooding back to me at 3am.
I spend the night wondering if your soul is still out there somewhere. Does it still linger on the trails we walked together, in the trees, in the all places you taught me to love? Please tell me you’re still out there somewhere. The earths soil can’t be the end of your story.
I feel your tongue dance on the surface of my skin and chills come over me
All I ever wanted was to be devoured by you
I couldn’t ask for more
Unhinge your jaws
I want you and I to become one as you swallow me whole
What more could I want than to be inside of you
Devour me, I’m begging you- please
I want to become the energy that fuels you
I want to be what keeps you going when you can’t take another day
I’ll let you devour me just so you can breathe
I’ll sacrifice everything I am just to have you here
I need to make you whole
I often wonder if all this suffering will benefit me some how.
Will it teach me strength, and perseverance?
Will I change the world some how? No matter how big or how small?
Or will I die suffering my whole life; never gaining the courage to change my ways or step out side of my narrow perspective ?
Will I lie in the ground, with only a life of suffering and nothing to show for it all?
Am I just a body to be absorbed back into the earth from which I came from, my purpose nothing more; To live a life only at face value and then to be swallowed into the ground once more?
Am I just here to exist and then rot away in oblivion ?
If that’s all we are- just as equal as an ant, or an owl; why are we so complex somehow ?
Why are we so different than every living thing on this planet?
Why are we designed to suffer slow and painfully, while every other living thing lives in ignorance?
We are the only species that can make ourselves suffer.
Maybe that’s all we’re meant to do?
I ache for my mind to be touched.
I ache for you to fill the empty spaces inside me and make me feel alive.
I don’t want to be lonely.
For you,I’ll open myself up.
Lay me down- inject me with your truth.
Fill and spill around me.
I’m aching for you.
Some days I feel everything at once
My heart beats so fast as every memory flashes through my head
I want to speak of them
My breathing slows down and a lump begins to form in my throat
I quickly swallow it
I can’t let anyone know the depths of my soul
Silent I will stay
it’s the only thing I’ve known