The Undoubting Future

I close my eyes

For once I’m not waiting for the end

I’m waiting to hear your voice, the words “I love you” escape from your lips

I open my eyes to see that you’ve been watching me

you accept my flaws, you make them beautiful

I try to hold back from smiling, but when I’m with you it’s so natural

Happiness comes so easily with you in my view

I almost panic because I feel no doubt, a feeling im not used to

for once I’m sure of my future

No words I can write can convey what’s inside of my heart

The way you make me feel, it’s ecstasy

 

My Idea of The perfect relationship

I found this on my computer I have no Idea when I wrote it … But my thoughts havent changed.

I like tickle fights,laughing until im crying with just your tee shirt on, watching movies until the crack of dawn or we talk all night long,hot chocolate and cuddling, driving with no place to go, pancakes with extra syrup at 1am with you,i love acting like a kid and you do too. taking pictures, funny faces, doing impressions, going on adventures, finishing each others sentences, not to mention i surprise you with  your favorite candies and you pick me flowers  we make each other handmade cards, bare the cold and split our Philly cheese steak on top of mt. Washington for valentines day. Im the only person that can make you laugh when your mad,youre the only person that can make me smile when im sad. I know when something is wrong when you dont even say a word, and you make sense of all my nonsense thoughts, i got you and you got me. But at the same time we let each other be free.

A Monster In Men’s Clothing

In the dark, I go crazy inside

I’m checking corners,I’m looking underneath my bed

Searching for the monster that made me this way

I fear for my life, I fear for my sanity

The big bad monster comes to me, and  he says “Don’t be afraid little girl. I wont hurt you”

He extends his arms lovingly to hold me and instead he drops me in a grave 6 feet down

I’m throwing up dirt, I hate myself for trusting him

Choking on worms, I hate myself for loving him

Because he’s a monster and now I cant trust anyone

He’s a monster and because of him I cant love anyone

Nightly Thought: Conversations

It’s one of those nights where I’m just thinking about everything.

Random things that have happened the past week and what not.

And what I’ve realized is that most people don’t ever give me a chance to talk.

So lately I just smile and nod and listen to people go on about their lives because i know they don’t give a hell what I have to say about it. They just want someone to brag to or listen to their problems

So lately I’ve totally given up on having an actual conversation with someone.

The funniest part about it is when i try to give my opinion on what they’re saying or when i try to tell a story of my own to compliment their story they just totally talk over me and just start talking to someone else.

I don’t think people realize how self-absorbed or narcissist they sound most of time.

I mean everyone gets excited and goes on and on about things happening in their lives from time to time. But, lately all I hear from people are the story of their lives, everyday. 

Don’t get me wrong I do like learning about people but It would be nice to have a conversation. Instead of a one-sided one.

You know those conversations you have with someone and you’re both exchanging stories and you know the other one cares about what you have to say just as much as you care about what they have to say.

That’s what I want from people.

I just want an even exchange of words. Not just me nodding and smiling while you go off about how your boyfriend or girlfriend is the greatest person on earth and they bought you this and took you here. Like, seriously I get it. Thanks for asking how my day was today … not !

I love those conversations you have with people when you start going into your hopes and dreams. Those are my favorite. You like dive into the persons secret consciousness and find out everything that has been stored there since they were a child. Because every dream someone has is rooted from their inner child. I feel as though someones hopes and dreams really allows you to get to know the real them. You strip away the artificial bullshit coating they have and see this soft, vulnerable person. I think it’s amazing.

Those conversations are rare though. Most are the everyday, bragging, bitching,boring conversations.

Hopefully some day soon someone will show me genuine conversation isn’t dead.

I’ll get it started … What are your thoughts on this blog ? Do you feel the same way? Do people make you feel your words and thoughts don’t count on daily basis by their poor conversation skills? Let’s get this rolling.

 

Faith Within Herself

She looks at the others and wonders how their faith comes so easily

Drenched in doubt and self loathing , she wonders how she can believe in anything

She looks toward the sky crying, pleading, screaming “give me a sign that my life means something”- No reply.

Running towards the cross,she feels emptiness that slowly turns into rage

It’s 11 am the chapel doors slam,service comes to a halt and through the silence she screams “why can you see things that I can’t see ?”

Hundreds of eyes stare but once again she’s left with only silence

Shes broken, her faith left her ages ago

No one can understand the pain that made her that way

And she cries because there’s no one left to turn to

everyone has their rock, their faith, their place in this world and shes left on the outside of it all.

Accepting that her place is only in loneliness she looks towards the sky and doesn’t look for answers to her life , but she looks up and realizes that she can see the beauty and calm of the world all on her own.

she finally found faith in something greater, she found faith within her self.

A Dedication to Doubt.

Maybe all the things I wanted are not really the things I wanted at all.

Maybe what I thought was the antidote is really the poison and it’s killing what I want to become.

Maybe what I thought I loved is really everything I hate.

Maybe what I thought was supposed to be fate is everything I’ve been trying to escape. 

 

Paranoid Mind,Define A liar.

This has changed me and I’m not sure if it’s for better or for worse
I’m more aware or maybe I’m just paranoid
My mind’s going in circles trying to find the liar in disguise
But am I prepared to uncover the liar lying in my bed?
My hearts not so pure anymore
and I’m not the same person that I was before
My eyes don’t shine with an innocence, I’ve seen the world’s evil form
I’ve seen the light turn to dark
I’ve seen men turn into beast, and Angels grow horns
My whole life I’ve searched for a god to give me an explanation and a meaning to my cries
but the whole time I’ve talked to shadows, no one was there to ease my weary mind
I’m not satisfied with singing songs of hope and faith to get me by
I want something real to hold on to but I live in a world born upon lies

I Love You To The Moon and Back

 

You are the stable ground that I have longed to walk on

You are the constant in a life of confusion and disarray

You are the real in a world of the artificial

You are the truth when I am clouded by lies

You are the reassurance when I feel doubt

You are the light when I am blinded by the Dark

You are the Moon and the stars that that keeps my eyes looking north

You are the sun that warms my flesh when I feel coldness

You are the love that fuels my passion, calms my mind and excites my dreams

You, are the one thing that keeps me breathing

The small world of cruel lovers.

Can one event of the present change everything in the past?

I ask myself this question after hearing evil things about someone I used to be close with.

Although  things didn’t work out with this person and myself I still had semi-good thoughts about the person. Generally, we had a good realtionship when we were close.He never mistreated me,and this person may have even helped me gain a better self esteem which I appreciated. We just weren’t on the same page. We had different outlooks on where we wanted our lives to go which was normal. That carried us apart, which i thought was for the best.I thought he was misguided but not evil,and since I figured he was misguided i didn’t have any negative feelings towards him until recently.

It’s funny how small the world is. And it’s funny how people talk. The truth always finds it’s way no matter how soon or how late.

the other day my friend calls me and explains that she has a funny story to tell me. As friends, we always like telling each other funny things we hear and crazy things that happen during our day.But, the story she was about to tell me included that person I used to be close with.

It turned out that this person that I used to think so highly of,this person that i used to be so close with, a person i thought i knew, wasn’t the person i thought they were at all.

The person I thought i knew, never mistreated women. He may have been cruel to some so called friends. But he never mistreated a women.

He took advantage of an innocent girl, maybe a girl that didn’t know much about love,or much about lust.She couldn’t see the signs that he was using her for her body not her mind. I don’t know her but i know he took a part of her that she can’t get back. She broke her vow, not for love but for lust. And it was all his fault. He took advantage of a girl who was looking for love and broke her trust. In my eyes that is one of the worst things you can do to a person.

Does he know the mistrust she will always carry with her? Does he know of the doubt that will follow her into love? Does he know the self hatred she will bare all because he wanted someone to please him physically?

If he knew all the mind numbing torture she would endure just because one moment of lust that got out of control , do you think he would of done it? I’m sure.Because hes not the man i thought he was. He has no honor.

Maybe it’s all the smoke he inhales that warped him, maybe it altered his mind.

I don’t know what changed him,or maybe he was like this all along.

Maybe the time I spent with him was a lie, when i think of it I know it was a lie.

All the compliments, memories, notes and cards were all just a lie

and i’m okay with that, but I would be lying if i said all these false memories didn’t make me weary of the love that I hold today. His lies, and the liars i have faced before him have only made my current true love have to work harder to win my trust.

But, Luckily what I have today is true because he doesn’t mind that he has to work harder then the others in my past because he’s the one that gets to hold me forever.

I can only wish for the innocent girl that he hurt, that she can find a person that is willing to work harder than anyone to win her love and trust. Because once a girl’s heart is bruised it takes an angel and an army to heal the pain of past cruel lovers.

I am always aimlessly wandering in this desolate place searching for someone to make me feel whole.

My faith starts to diminish because day by day I still feel the void within me.

I use these pen strokes in hope I can get this out and maybe I’ll feel okay;

but now that my weary empty heart is plain as day for everyone to see I choose to go into hiding;

To hide away from the eyes that have pity for me because I don’t belong.

I don’t want your pity.

I want your love and that is something that I just cannot have.